2Bags has an old saying: “There is not only one way to hide the kani-kani.” No, two bags is not gonna talk about the aftermath of the grog session but the very beginning. That very magical process when rooting, I mean… when the root in its beaten up raw form is turned into beautiful brownish liquid gold. 2Bags has spent many years studying the art of mixing and has seen all sorts of styles. Some are as complicated as doing Algebra hanging upside down with your pants on your head, while others can be classified as just pure laziness. But no matter how it’s done, the result is more or less the same – a sweet juice beautifully crafted and tantalizing fit enough for the queen herself (whoever and wherever she may be). So sit back and allow 2Bags to mesmerise you with a little history, inside information and some BS from his sources or as I like to call them, “2Bags’ Council”.

The traditional style
This style is not used often nowadays but on rare occasions such as when a big chief is in town for something very important. This style uses an actual tanoa instead of the dreadful plastic basin or bucket. And water is poured from a green bamboo instead filled at the nearest corner tap. Instead of a sewn silk sulu-ni-yaqona, thin strips of the bark of the vau tree is used to filter out any of the kosa. After much mixing and squeezing using the vau, when the matanivanua calls out “wai donu” – meaning the mix is just right – the vau is then used to remove whatever particles of grog there is left floating in the tanoa. The brown liquid that’s left is amazingly tasty, beautiful grog.

The sulu style
The sulu-ni-yaqona is a treasured possession in some households. Oh, the hell that can be unleashed if is found to be missing just as Super 14 match is about to start on a Friday evening! So it’s no surprise that the “grog cloth” can be seen in a lead role in many important events such as weddings, funerals, when having a baby mix with the gang next door, or at a gunu sede to fundraise for somebody’s USP fees. The grog cloth has over the years changed its form, from just a simple cloth on the outside line to the colourful piece of somebody’s silk sari that has been lovingly sewn into just the perfect “bag” in which to pour in the sacred powder.You can even buy them ready-made in grog shops and other drinking holes. Using the grog cloth can involve a lot of passion. You heard it right. I like to call it groggy style (not that other style!). Once the grog is in the cloth (why is it called a cloth when really it is a bag?), the cloth is placed into a basin filled with water and the hands move in sequence, slowly massaging the toxins out of the powder. If you’re going for a lethal mix, then every last drop of numbness is squeezed out of the bag, but if you’re going for a relaxer, then you’d probably Lose the same Kosa again.

Jug-and-strainer style
I was introduced to the jug-and-strainer style recently and it’s for those who don’t want to get their hands smelling like, well, shit. The pounded grog is poured into a jug filled with water, and a spoon is used to slowly mix it up until the water turns brown. After some time, the mix is poured into a basin and a strainer is used to catch the dregs. You’ll be left with a beautiful brown liquid so tasty (more so when you know that nobody’s dirty hands has been in the water).

Raw style
Oh man, I don’t mean wrestling but it kinda feels that way. This one’s gonna make your liver jump out of your body. This is the style 2Bags has tried and loves the most. It involves a little more work, but boy it’s totally worth the effort.

This goes right back to the plantation. Grog is not dried nor is it pounded but right out from the ground it’s washed and grated on a very rough surface. Yes it’s raw and still very green. A little bit of dirt on it won’t matter. No water is added and it’s squeezed right into the grog bowl. No basin, no tanoa. I tell you it will blow your mind…but advice to those who wanna try this: make sure you don’t have to work the next morning ‘cause it’s gonna shut down your system for 12 hours straight. Oh and you might want to wear one of those adult diapers, just in case. XXL would do.

There are bound to be other ways in which 2Bags’ fans mixed their drink, but as I always say grog is grog no matter how it’s mixed (I think). So have a bowl for me and the knights of my council and as the song goes: “Drink the day and drink the night away.”
Until next month, stay doped....